breaking old habits.

coming back to this blog after 3 years is weird. very weird. so much has happened between now and then that it feels like a lifetime. i spent the last year and a half out of touch. so much to get out, so many things to say and do. in due time........

things

bleak addictions (10:40:39 AM): my life is pretty much just a search for highs and orgasms.. everything else is just facilitation.


hes hilarious. really. hilarious.

shift

it is amazing the difference in mood you can have when you just shift your perspective. sure, the bad things are still there but when you change your mindset to fixate on the good things and the ways you can fix the bad you become a MUCH more content person.

rarely do we concentrate on the good and the skills it took to get said good outcome. research shows we analyze everything negative because we realize what we did or didnt do to get there. our brain either consciously or subconsciously feels guilty for doing poorly. when is the last time we realized what we did to get a positive outcome? why doesnt our consciousness feel amazing? and if it does, why is the high so short before we focus on a low? i dont, for the life of me know why we are such a cynical society, when we're built on the foundation of "the american dream". [The American Dream is a subjective term usually implying a successful and satisfying life.] i realize the lows are what pushes us on, and helps us achieve greater success, but WHY are we shortchanging ourselves when we do achieve that success?

the better we feel, the more we do. i think wed all be in a much better place, if we learned to shift our focus and remain positive.

enlightenment

last night i went to bed wondering and woke up this morning knowing. i have obtained a new outlook. well, one that im going to try and uphold. its not easy to makeover your entire life.

i have spent too much of my life living for others. doing, saying, waiting, thinking, feeling. ive suffered because of it and im taking it back. i will not give up my love or my ability to do so, but i will put myself first. i was always hurt when someone put something before me, it made me feel less significant... almost unimportant. my dream was to be someones reason, their purpose. i see now, that that is something that is just not a possiblity, SO.. back to my main thought.

it is time to live my life for ME. i will find my own reason, my own purpose and regain my own self-esteem.

we share so much with the world, that we do not make true in our own lives. we place precidence on things that would give us nothing back. we forget what truly matters.

normal

i just AM right now and to be is not actually living.im in a state of suspended animation. nothing is pleasing. in fact, everything is downright dull and boring. oh, we all go through the phases where we get stuck in a rut. where youre content with your plain, everyday life and then you wake up one day to see how truly mundane it is. its depressing... but its life. you cant be out on the town everyday, you cant get trashed everynight and still wake up and go to your 9-5. why do we have to grow up and grow away from excitement?